A Walk Through Spring

Spring. A time when the Earth in New England comes alive again with colors. This time of year has always been a healing time for me. Flowers and trees blooming, leaves and grass growing, the Earth becomes green once again. A time of year when possibilities of new beginnings seem endless. Driving around now and seeing all the trees beginning to bloom, the yellow mounds of forsythia and cheerful daffodils, you can't help but be a little happier. Now that it has warmed up outside again, I have been able to get out and go for walks once again.

Today, I planned to walk 2-4 miles, depending on which roads and trails I took. Very quickly, my walk turned into more of a treasure hunt for pictures of all these amazing blooms I was seeing everywhere.

These bushes were the first to catch my attention just about a mile into my walk. I stopped and played with angles and focuses. There's just something so alive and joyful about these bushes.

 When I walk, I use the NikeRun app on my phone to track my miles, speed, calories, etc. Now, I can't run easily because it really hurts my neck and lower back, so I usually try to walk fast and keep a consistent pace. So far on my walk, I was doing ok, pausing only for a few moments to take a picture or two. I continued down this road and turned onto the next. This is where I really started getting side tracked. 

After all these shots, I went on my way again. Telling myself I will only stop for can't miss shots. My pace was good, songs were encouraging me along, air was pure and life was grand. About a mile away from these beauties, I found another tree that was in bloom. 

Once again, I continue on. I'm just walking along and find an extra jump in my step. I see a path that I've walked by countless times before, that I've never once gone down. Wooded paths have been hard for me with the concussion. I have a hard time navigating over the roots that cross the path and all the leaves that have fallen to the ground. I decide I will try it today and take it slow. Little did I know that I would end up walking slowly simply because I wanted to take pictures of everything I saw. Endless patches of bright green skunk cabbage sprouting up from a brown landscape, glimpses of the Mill River passing by, a tiny flower growing with moss on a rock, ground cover blooming just above the leaf covered forest floor and the very odd curve in the tree. 

 At this time, I have come to acknowledge that any further plans I have to walk fore exercise sake, were lost.  Nature's beauty had won out and I immersed myself in her. Once again, the yellow beauty caught my eye and drew me in towards the local water fall. 

 You can find peace and tranquility along these trails. The power of the waterfall with nature's beauty surrounding you. The bridge above is no longer suited for vehicular traffic so it makes a nice spot to stop and admire the view. 

Walking past the pond, I spotted one flowering tree, standing strong in a sea of brown.

 Down the next trail, I spotted a couple of lounge chairs set-up with people laying back, enjoying life.

It's hard for me to capture on film, what the next part of the trail feels like. The light shining through all these tall, skinny trees, makes you feel small and insignificant. I caught the glimpse of a small tree growing under all the big and tall guys.

 Passed by the out of place train bridge. It does provide a beauty all its own within the natural landscape. Man made strength surrounded by nature's awesome power. 

 On the other side of the tracks, I find ferns who are just waking up and stretching to meet the sun. Moss, close-up. Long ferns still laying down from their winter's nap. A tiny flower about to bloom.  

 I walked out to the edge of an old mill to take one last look at the river and find these tiny white flowers, sprinkling the landscape. These little guys have a beautiful view of the river below. 

 This walk turn into a treasure hunt for all of Mother Nature's gifts. Some are easy to see like the bright yellow Forsythia, while others are tiny like the little white flower above. A lot like life. Sometimes the good stuff is right in front of you and you can't miss it. Other times, it's there, but you need to look through all the extra stuff int he way to find it. When you do, grab hold and don't let go. The good stuff is what carries us though. I hope you enjoyed my photo journal of today's walk as much as I did!

Relearning What Concussions Take Away

Concussions are tricky beasts. Each person that has one is affected in a different way and it's really never predictable. More often than not, people recover fairly quickly. For the rest of us, a concussion that doesn't heal within a few months is called Post Concussion Syndrome. Then if it's still hanging around for over a year or so, it becomes Persistent Post Concussion Syndrome. They have no interest in leaving you in peace. People can have sensitivities to light, sounds, smells, computers, books, and the worst of them all for me, strobe lights. Basically any of your senses can be thrown into overdrive and become painful and often times impossible to handle. Attention deficits become problematic as well. Fun times!

I have talked to many people who know someone who has had a brain trauma. Often I hear comments about how much faster their recovery has been compared to mine. The one thing people need to understand,  is that there is no set schedule for recovery. It takes time and rest for the brain to heal. Things come back to  you slowly, almost to the point where you don't notice improvements without them being pointed out to you.

For me, HDTVs, books, computer screens, smells, loud noises and bright places have been the hardest problems. I couldn't mix high visual stimulation with verbal conversations for months, even still, at times now. If I were talking on the phone, I couldn't be looking around at anything. If I were on the phone, it was for a minute or two at a time, usually to a doctor's office. It took a long time for me to be able to look at my computer screen. Now I last up to an hour. Which is why I was able to start writing.

When I started this blog, I was going to try to set up a schedule for when I would publish a new post, like every Monday for example. Now, I'm realizing I just need to write when I am up for it and not worry about setting a schedule. Yet.

Speaking of attention issues, I started out wanting to write about how this has effected my ability to cook, not a general talk about the problems that come along with concussions. Now, I'm not so sure that's where this piece is wanting to go.

One thing that is on the schedule every day is dinner. I kind of don't have a choice with that because I have a couple teenagers and a 9 going on 20 year old daughter, who really insist on eating at least 3 times per day.

Like what I did there right? Brought it back to cooking. Well, I forced myself to make that happen!

For those of you who know me, you know I love to bake and you know I'm pretty good at it too. Well, right after the accident, I didn't cook dinner or even make myself any snacks. The pain kept me in bed most of the time and I had to rely on others to do it all for me. After a few months went by, I was able to do little things here and there, but still not cook a whole meal. I always had a hard time coming up with ideas of what to make for dinner. Still happens almost daily now. I have become used to going to the grocery store many times each week just because I can't plan things out.

An moment stands out to me from few months after the accident. I remember laying in bed and one of the kids was starving. You know what I'm talking about if you're a parents. That OMG the whole world is going to fall apart if I don't get food right this very second kind of hungry. I think we all were home that night. I remember falling apart because I simply could not figure out how to cook a hot dog on a frying pan. Something so simple that I've done probably hundreds of times now. For the life of me, I could not figure it out. Couldn't see the steps it took in my mind, couldn't even think that I would need to take a pan out of the cabinet, where the hot dogs were stored, even how to turn the stove on.

Seriously. My mind was completely blank.  

Some time went on and I was able to figure out how to make cupcakes from a box, scrambled eggs and a few other simple things.  I still couldn't come up with  ideas of things to make on my own. Over the Summer we had the same meal every night. Well most nights. I would slap some seasoning on chicken thighs and grill them, cook some corn from a local farm and a side of fresh veggies. Some how that meal never got old, which is good because that's all I could manage for months.

This Fall, I started Speech Therapy. One of the first issues we worked on was teaching myself to cook and bake again. One session she had me write down everything I needed to make my "famous" apple pie. The was a very challenging task ad upsetting because that is a recipe I have done hundreds of times and haven't needed to look at the directions for years now. I remember going through my cabinets in my mind and taking out each item I would need, grabbing the correct pie pan, preheating the oven, mixing the ingredients in the correct order, cutting the apples just right and layering them in the crust just so. I remember getting stuck on a couple of the ingredients, and eventually letting them go. It took an entire sheet of paper to write it all down and a lot of going back in and adding things I had forgotten. but, I did it. I broke the entire process down into the smallest of steps and it worked.

The next two sessions we worked on grocery shopping. Ugh, I still have a hard time with this. Sometimes I use a list, sometimes I don't. Either way, I feel victorious if I leave with most of what I needed to remember. Meal planning is hard for me still. The grocery lists I made with her, all revolved around meal planning. I'll tell ya, I can't stick to a meal planning guide for anything. Maybe if I plan a week's worth of meals, I will make just one of the meals. Some days, I am all about the baking and cooking, others I am so tired by the end of the day that I barely have energy to eat, let alone cook a meal for everyone. There's a local pizza place that sells these great slices and is right down the street from us. Dinner is done that way once or twice a week, every week.

Premaking and freezing meals would probably be an excellent thing for me to do. Of course, I'd have to make the time and conserve the energy to make that happen in the first place. It's an ongoing struggle for me. There are times that I choose to just lay down and watch tv, when I could be doing something productive. I spend energy doing "fun" things a lot of the time. Being stuck at home for so long, by myself most of the time, really took its toll on me and I feel like I am playing catch up with that. Another cost/benefit thing. Do I take care of emotional needs or do I take care of practical needs?

Dinner planning really should become more of a priority. I think it is going to require more help from the rest of the family to help make that happen. Go through our freezers and refrigerator, find out what we have, make a list of dinners we want, do the shopping needed and make it happen, each week. It would make me feel better on nights when I am in the pool from 6:15-7:45, after the kids have swim and soccer practices. Those are usually the pizza nights. Grab each kid a slice on the way home. Simple. I think having something in the oven, waiting for them when they get home, might be a better idea. OK This is a new goal for me. I'm sure meal planning will be a lost more cost effective as well!!   

Baking, on the other hand, is easier for me to do now and a big part of why I have gained 25 pounds in such a short amount of time. Once I figured out how to bake again, that's all I did for a few months. Baking, baking, baking. Which lead to eating, eating, eating. Add in the lack of exercise and that was a recipe for disaster for my waistline. It feels really great to be able to bake once again and I have backed off from making sweets. I was making cupcakes, cookie bars, breads, muffins and desserts All The Time!! I would be so happy to be able to bake, immediately clean everything I used up and leave the kitchen spotless. All the sweets would last a day or two. Seriously, not good for any of us.

After not being able to do something for so long, it is hard to hold back once I was able to do it again. That has been the case across the board for anything effected in my life. Once I could walk again, I worked up to walking 7+ miles at a time. When I was able to do laundry again, well I really haven't stopped. When I was able to drive myself to do errands, I take advantage and do it. Sweeping was also a huge accomplishment and I end up doing that several times per day now just because I can. Everything that was taken away from me after the accident, I have not taken for granted since. Maybe someday the novelty of all of these will wear off, but I'm not there yet and I appreciate everything.   

Facing Fears, Accepting Relief

I started swimming with a US Masters Swimming program a few weeks ago. My doctors and PTs have been urging me to get in the water for many months now. I can't lift weights and do as much cardio, like I was doing before the accident so I've been fairly limited with what I can do to work out. Walking has been my go to work out, when I can make it happen. The cold weather of winter set in and stopped me from going outside very much, so I wasn't able to do too much in the last 4-5 months. This also caused me to gain 25 pounds and go up a couple sizes in clothes since August. 

My daughter was doing a swim clinic at UMass and while she was in the pool, I had time to chat with the other parents. The conversations were varied every night, but swimming was always brought up. One of the moms has been swimming in the Masters program for quite awhile now. After asking lots of questions and another mom decided to try it, I decided I would try as well. 

The day before I started, I went swim suit shopping. Ugh!! What an awful experience that was. After trying on 9 different suits, I picked a plain black suit. Simple. At that point, my fear was being seen in public with that suit on. You see, not being able to really work out for 15 months has taken its toll. I fit in my high school suit before the accident! I was in the best shape of my life. I bought the suit and went home. The fear  of wearing the suit went away by the time I got home and tried it on again. I let it go, knowing things would change once I got back into that pool. 

The very first night I was scared. So very scared. I was shaking as I watched my daughter's group swim. I realized I wasn't scared about the swim suit anymore or being able to do the strokes and the workout. I was scared it would hurt me. That I wouldn't be able to be in the pool and that it would hurt more than help. I was in desperate need of an answer, something I could do to work out again. Before the accident, I was in the gym 6 days a week. 4-5 days I did serious weight lifting sessions and the others were for quick 20-30 minute cardio and stretching, usually before work, which was another workout in itself. 

When I was on that schedule, I felt amazing. I felt strong in many different ways and I was so happy and energetic. I've missed that in my life. So I did it. I tried swimming. The first night I was able to do 3/4 of the work out. Didn't make it through a full 100(4 lengths) and ran out of breath after every 25(1 length). I did it though. I wasn't in pain after. I modified what I needed to and rested, a lot. It felt really good to be back in the pool again. I have now made it through 4 work outs and with tonight being my 5th. Before and during each work out, I find myself questioning how far I can go. I look at the workout sheet, not understanding what it says most of the time and having no confidence that I can make it through the whole thing. I'm scared I will fail. Then I suddenly realize I've made it and the end of the workout comes and I feel unstoppable. I stop questioning myself once I reach the cool down. That feeling has lasted until the next morning. Then I find myself going back to questioning what I'm doing. 

The fear is still here. I am finding myself anxious every day that I will be swimming. What if I can't do it? What if this time it hurts too much? The what ifs constantly run through my mind and my heart is racing. I have now invested a little over $200 into this program for myself. That's pretty significant for me. I got a box from Swimoutlet.com yesterday and I felt like Christmas morning. I had ordered a swim bag and other gear. That felt good. I had that shopping cart filled on the website for about a week and a half before I finally hit complete this purchase. When I finally completed the order, it was me saying I can do this. I am committed to doing this. I accepted that I can do this.   

I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to fight my fears one more time. I'm going in with no expectations and just the hope that I can make it through the entire work out. I will take it one lap at a time. I will listen to my muscles and follow their lead. I will breathe into my muscles with each breath I take and feel their strength coming back to life. I will take the leap tonight, once again. Someday the anxiety beforehand will start to fade. I will be able to do more during the day on nights that I swim. I will be able to fall asleep before 11pm after a workout. 

This all starts with today and taking that leap into the pool one more time. One 25 at a time. One stroke and  one kick at a time. One breath at a time. I'll get there. I'll find the other side to this. I will find relief. 

The Costs of Having a Concussion and Long Term Pain

Rest. This is the number one recommendation for recovery from a concussion. My Neurologist has told me that I need to rest (sleep) everyday, after lunch for an hour. I'm a mom of 3 kids. Very busy kids. There's School, Soccer, Swimming, Kung Fu, Girl Scouts, playdates and more. Rest is very hard to fit into that schedule, especially on the weekends.

Take my day yesterday. Justin had a 9 o'clock indoor soccer finals game 30 minutes away. We had to get up at 7 and leave by 8 to get there in time. Aaliyah had a Kung Fu test that began at 9:30. She had slept over at a friends house the night before and they went to the test together. I got to her test around 10:30 and it ended by 11:45. From there, we got lunch at Wendy's, picked up my prescriptions at Target, headed home to get warmer sweatshirts then made it to the last stop of the day, an ice skating party for her school. Afterwards, we came home and rested for a little while, but the sun was shining bright so I decided to go on a walk with a friend who lives down the street. Completely exhausted, I ate some leftover salad, tidied up my room a bit and laid down to watch a movie with my family. Asleep by 10. Woke up 11 1/2 hours later.

That's a tiring day for anyone I imagine. Add the concussion and pain in, and it becomes even worse. Even with sleeping almost 12 hours, I am completely exhausted today. When that happens, my mind becomes all confused. Speech gets sloppy, thoughts get mixed up, vision becomes slow (does that even make sense?) I look around at any messes and they start to drive me nuts. I start cleaning and organizing. I'm exhausted, but if things looks visually messy and unorganized, it makes it worse for me. One of my doctors or therapists told me that we tend to want cleaner surroundings when our minds are frazzled. We, as people in general, can think better when we are surrounded by a more organized environment. This would explain my new addiction to household organization on Pinterest. That's been a great resource for finding organization tips, that real people have done and are affordable.

Back to my day yesterday. Justin's games all happen pretty similar, with the exception that yesterday was the championship game for the last indoor session. The game was all fast paced action. The other moms and I were reacting to every play, every move our kids made. "Ohhh! Ahhh! Great stop! Oh looks at those moves! Shoot shoot shoot!!! Take the shot already! YAY!!! Great game! Great win!" We all agree that we must sound a little crazy and entertaining. We have a blast watching our kids play. For that one hour during the game, I force myself to forget about the injuries, forget about the headaches and just allow myself to be there in the moment and enjoy it. For that one hour, I am able to be with friends, chat about life, our kids, our troubles. For that one hour, I get to be me.

I have held on tight to those times over the last 15 months. For most of the time since the accident, this was my only social time. The only time when I could leave my house and not be going to doctors appointments. These were the times that saved my sanity, kept me emotionally healthy. This all comes at a cost. I pay a high price for these moments. When the doctors tell you that you MUST rest each and every day if you want to recover, they mean it. I'll tell ya, laying in bed for months and months, really, truly sucks!! It is lonely, isolating, boring, never ending and painful in an emotional way. Friends go on living their lives, family comes and goes throughout each day, life continues to go on around you, while you're stuck in bed and in pain each day.

The costs for going to the games or swim meets are high. I fight the pain that is constant in my neck. There is compression between C1 and C2 in my neck. I don't remember what it's like to not have pain anymore. 15 months ago today, I was at the gym doing a 2 hour leg workout. Dead lifts, squats with and without the Smith machine, 535 lbs leg press, lunges of all types, and so much more that I can't remember now. I was in pain after that work out, but oh such sweet pain. The pain you feel when you've accomplished something great. Pain you can be proud of. 15 months ago tomorrow night around 5pm, was the accident. The pain I have had since then is different. It is unending. The drugs they have given me, get my mind off the pain, but don't take the pain away. Well, sometimes they do. They at least allow me time to almost forget that it's there. They allow me moments to be able to enjoy life. I've never been a good patient by taking them before they are needed. Even after surgeries, I take them only when I feel the need and I can't take the pain anymore.

The other pain I have is not constant, but when it's here, I cry. I cry uncontrollably. The tears pour from my eyes. I don't want to move, can't sneeze, bend, twist, lay down, get up, did I mention move? This pain comes from the sacroiliac joint. My SI joints pop out of place at times now. They are movable and they aren't supposed to be. They pop all the time and get locked in painful positions. There is also compression between L5 and S1 in my lower back. The pain fromthe SI joints, has landed me in the ER. Up until a week ago, I have had PT twice a week since June for this issue alone. When they act up, I can't do much of anything. It doesn't take much to trigger them either. All I have to do is wash my hands in a sink that makes me lean a little too far forward, or tie my sneakers, or turn around quickly in just the right way. It stops me dead in my tracks. Time, heat, laying down flat, muscle relaxers and newly found Frankincense essential oil helps.

As for the cost with the concussion, at times it is not so clear. I can tell you that I don't schedule many things to happen on Mondays for a reason. I tend to sleep on and off most of the day on Monday. Weekends are usually so busy and rushed, that by the time Monday gets here, I have nothing left. My reserves are dried up. My brain is tired. It shuts down and forces me to sleep. When the kids were younger, they were busy, but in a different way. They were home more, playing, fighting, making messes, needed to be changed and fed. A very different kind of busy. Now they need to be driven everywhere. I love to watch them in their sports or other things they have going on in their lives. I don't want to miss it. I have tortured myself with going to swim meets when I really should've stayed home. Seeing them swim for the 1-2 minutes they race is important to me. Talking with the other parents and coaches is important to me. The headaches and tiredness that come after are a high cost.

This has been an ongoing battle within myself this entire time. Do I stay home and rest or go out and watch them live their lives? I have stayed home when it is just too much. I missed Anthony getting his Varsity Letter for swimming, as a Freshman, because it was just too much that day. The sadness in his eyes when I told him I couldn't go almost crushed me. I have fought so hard to see all of his accomplishments and I couldn't go that night. He tells me he knows I am there for him and he knows I would only miss something if it was just too much. He understands. I know he does. I think both of us were incredibly disappointed that day.

Overall, I've done ok. The first couple months were so very hard. Spending my entire day in bed and not even being able to clean or cook for my family because it was just too much. I couldn't drive for about 10 months. even no, I am limited to about 30 minutes. Sometimes, even that is way too much for me. There's an awful lot of brain power that goes into driving. I never really thought about it before. Shortly after the accident, it became clear that driving was too much for my brain. Nothing was instinctual anymore. Turning on the blinker to make a turn, putting the car into the right gear, etc. It was all just too much for me to think about. I wasn't able to drive again until I took a driving test at a rehab center in mid October. Now, I don't always drive every day, and if there is ever an opportunity for someone else to drive, I let them.

As the months grew warmer, and my brain healed, I was able to get out and walk. At first it was really hard. My first neurologist said I should walk, but it was supposed to be a rest time for my brain, with no input. No talking, looking at a phone, music etc. I tried that a few times. The leaves rustling, the birds and bugs making noise, the water rushing in the stream, the roots in the path, the smells of flowers, the sunlight coming through the trees, were all distractions. I got dizzy from all that input. I found myself stuck, sitting on a log, next to the river about a half mile from my house, one day. I couldn't walk anymore. Everything in nature was making my head hurt. That was not supposed to be the way it worked. I rested for a long time sitting on that log. Finally I made my way home.

The next time I tried walking with my music. It worked. I wasn't focusing on all the little things around me. Just focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. I found a way out of my house. I spent the summer walking all over my section of town. I got to a point where I was walking up to 7 miles at a time. I felt amazing. I had a way out. I worked so hard for that. The summer ended and the days started to get colder. As that happened, the pain came back more and more. It quickly got so bad that I couldn't go out on walks anymore. I still can't walk on paths with lots of roots or if it's uneven. I can't see the differences in where to put my feet. When all the leaves were falling last fall, I couldn't walk on sidewalks covered with leaves. It made me dizzy and off balance.

I tired to use the treadmill at my gym, but that made me too dizzy. When I got off each time, I had to stand holding the way for quite awhile after. The whole world looked like it was moving as I was standing still. My neurologist suggested I try using the elliptical. By doing this, it would allow both sides of my brain to work together, with both my legs and arms moving at the same time. I tried this and it did help visually. I had to spend some time playing around with it because using my arms, pulled on my neck, causing pain, but it didn't bother my brain. My PT suggested I try to push the arms instead of pulling them. That made a huge difference. Now when I go to the gym, I do that for 30 minutes at a slower pace, then stretch for at least another 30 minutes. I have recently started swimming in a local Masters Swimming program, that so far, has been amazing for me. I have the strength to get through most of the workout and it doesn't hurt my neck. I'm hoping this will be a long term answer for helping the pain.

All in all, I am recovering. It is a very slow process. I have been told that I have already had the most significant jumps in recovery that I am going to and everything that comes now, will be much smaller, less noticeable steps. They do anticipate a full recovery. It will just take time. I have learned to hate hearing that sentence but I also find comfort with it. The improvements are measurable when they do reassessments. That is encouraging. I am able to do more each day and I can notice that when I look back and think of what my days used to be like.  The cost and benefits of trying to get through my daily life have been hard. The balance is constantly shifting. Do I do something that will help me emotionally, knowing that I will pay for it physically? Some days yes, some days no. Either way, it makes life a lot more challenging.

Living With A Concussion

January 8th, 2012, I was in a car accident. The concussion wasn't diagnosed until exactly one month later. Looking back at things I had written, there were clear signs of me having one, but somehow that information was never picked up on by my doctors. I'm figuring that is because of the severity of the pain I was in at the time, so that is all I brought up when I saw them. The events leading up to the concussion diagnosis were pretty dramatic.

I no longer had the rental and we hadn't found a car to buy yet. My Dad, who became a key person in my recovery, let me use his car for the day, after Aaliyah's and my doctor's appointment. Aaliyah had stayed home that day because she had pink eye, so we started the day at the walk in hours at NAP. Headed over to Northampton after that to see my doctor for a scheduled post accident visit. I don't remember much of that meeting, except that I had been really concerned about this area on top of my right foot that had been bruised in the accident and was not getting better. My doctor sent me to Cooley Dickenson for xrays to check for broken bones. I dropped my dad off at work on the way to the hospital.

After leaving Cooley Dickenson, and picking up Aaliyah's prescription, we headed home. There is a short distance on Rt 9  we had to travel before we get to the left turn to go north on Rt 116. As we were waiting for the left turn light to turn green to allow us to turn onto 116, I started feeling a little dizzy. We started moving forward. As I was driving, I quickly became light headed, hot then as I turned onto 116, my arms and hands went numb and then the nausea came. I pulled over, opened my window and blasted the cold air, trying to let this pass. Panicked thoughts started going through my head like, "If I call for an ambulance, my Dad's car will be stuck on 116 and we don't have another car for him to use to get to the hospital. Then it will get towed somewhere and we will have a large fine for that. There's no way I can let that happen. I have to wait for this to pass."

I waited for awhile for this feeling to pass. I remembered in the past having felt similar when I had headaches from Meningitis many years before. I was scared. Aaliyah was scared. We waited at the side of the road until I finally felt like I could slowly drive us home. What normally was a 5-7 minute drive, took about twice as long, just because I was going slow. When I made it to our driveway, I saw my neighbors car at her house. It's not very often that my neighbors are home anymore. I called her immediately and asked her if she could bring me back to Cooley Dickenson. Again, not having the most rationally thought process at the time, I wanted to go to Cooley (knowing the wait would probably be a long one) because that's where all my treatment had been since the accident and I because of the lawsuit, I wanted my treatment in as few places as possible.

When she came down to get us, she told me I looked white as a ghost and not making the most sense when I was speaking. Aaliyah and I had packed up in her car and were off to the ER. My Dad was going to get a ride over from a friend and meet us there. Paul was working out in Pittsfield at the time, in a Government secured building which he could not have his phone on in. We had to wait to get word to him. I was so out of it in the waiting room. they had put me in a wheelchair, because by that point, I was too dizzy every time I stood up and so out of it, I could barely get myself checked in.

We got ourselves comfortable in the very full waiting room, me still in the wheel chair. My neighbor bought me a water bottle out of the vending machine, but she was not able to get it out. (yes, strange things like this is what I remember of that time) She stayed with us until my Dad was able to get there. People were coming and going through the ER fairly quickly. As the day went on, I realized the people who went in quick, had broken bones or were Fast Trac patients.

At one point, I was sitting in my chair and remember feeling like I was going to pass out. I made sure to lean my head against the IV pole attached to my wheel chair. I remember coming to in the nurses check in station when she started taking my blood pressure. I brought up with her that I felt like I had just passed out and she kind of brushed me off. It was a busy day for them. I couldn't believe the things people were saying as they were yelling at the staff about the wait times. Because I was so out of it by this point, I just let everything roll off me and I was in my own little world. My dad came, my neighbor left. I barely remember this. As we were sitting there waiting, I passed out again. This time I said something to my dad, I think asking him to get help. He didn't hear me though. I have no idea how long I was out of it that time. I came to asking what had happened and he had no idea. I think he was paying attention to Aaliyah. I waited 5 1/2 hours to get in to a bed. At some point during in this time, Paul had shown up and my Dad left. I think Paul had gone home to get the other car then came to the hospital. I think he came back with a different kid, or maybe Aaliyah had stayed. I don't remember those details.

Once I was back there, the doctor (again someone else I know) was very attentive and kept apologizing for the wait. It was decided that I needed to have an xray of my neck (because one hadn't been done after the accident) and a CT scan of my brain and neck and they were to give me Dilaudid for the pain. Now, I'm allergic to most narcotics. Dilaudid is one I can handle, but only if given Zofran or another anti nausea medication well beforehand. That didn't happen. I don't remember if it was before they took me to xray or after, must've been before, they gave me the Dilaudid, without the Zofran because that hadn't come from the pharmacy yet. By the time I got back from the tests, I was throwing up everywhere.  it took a couple different anti nausea meds to calm my system back down.

This is when I was diagnosed with a concussion. A month after the accident. They found some compression between the C1-C2 vertebrae which was also causing some of the headaches. He sent me home with some good medications and he told me to call a local Neurologist the next day to set-up an appointment. I got in to see the neurologist pretty quickly after that. I don't remember the first meeting with him much more than him saying he thought I was having seizures. Immediately said I could not drive for at least 6 months because it happened when I was driving, set me up with more tests, more medications to try. He had an MRI of my brain done, EEG, even a test where he stuck needles in my arm and shocked me with small electrical currents. Everything was coming back fairly normal. Because I could no longer drive, my Dad was the one who took me to all of my appointments. I'm not sure how I could've done this without his help. He took a lot of time off of work to help me get to everywhere I needed to go. He also became the driver for my kids, getting them to everything they had. That was a big sacrifice for him.

With the Neurologist, we tried a few different medications over the next couple months. None of which did anything to help the headaches. my physical therapy had switched over from working on my neck and back to vestibular work. Exercises like standing on a foam pad in a corner, holding my thumb out in front of me and moving my head side to side. Standing on the pad and closing my eyes and seeing if I can balance. Standing on the same pad and rocking back and forth or side to side. The problem was that these exercises we making me even more dizzy. I would go home and need to sleep for the next couple of days, just to recover from PT. It got to a point when my physical therapist said we needed to take a break. That what we were doing was not beneficial or therapeutic. We decided to take a break until my symptoms calmed down.

Time went on. I got really good at avoiding triggers that would cause me to get nasty migraines. Loud noises, like fireworks and sadly, my neighbors rooster, busy places like stores, the local pond we spend most Summer days at, my laptop and HDTVs, were all triggers of migraines. I remember one day being at my brother-in-laws house and watching a show on his Plasma TV. All of a sudden things that were staying still, were moving in my vision. Like my son sitting in front of me, was moving on this circular track in my vision. The pain that came with those migraines was unbelievable.

 I suddenly couldn't cook or bake anymore. I remember one day I was totally frustrated and crushed that I could not remember how to make a hot dog for my kids. I could not make dinner at all. I couldn't read a recipe and understand it. I couldn't make foods that I had made hundreds of times before and knew the recipes by heart. So not only was I unable to lift anything over 5 pounds, but then I couldn't do normal routine things as well.  My writing became awful. Even I couldn't read what I wrote.

I would speak sentences and the wrong words would come out and I'd have no idea. like "Brush your face and wash your teeth" That one has become almost comical because more often than not, that is how it comes out now. If I find myself yelling, usually at one of the kids (yes, come on! I'm human and break down on them every so often) the words get all mixed up. Most of the time, the words make no sense at all. Sometimes I say the word of something I can see, even if we're not talking about it. Sometimes, it's words from something else we had been talking about. Sometimes words come out that make absolutely no sense at all!!

I had been journaling everyday after the accident. Once the concussion came into play, I quickly had to stop. Writing not only was messy and illegible, it caused massive migraines. Everything was causing migraines. I actually became good at functioning while having them because I had them ALL THE TIME. Life had to move forward. I had three kids who I still had to take care of.  It was only more pain.
I learned to live with them.

Reading has as similar reaction, although it is getting better now that I have glasses. If I try to read something, by the time I get to the end of the sentence, I forget what was said at the beginning. I failed this test in my vision testing last week. Failed with a big fat 0. Speed was about one third as fast of the normal person. I have also just been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Vision Disorder and will need 6 months to a year of weekly vision therapy.   

A couple months of pain does a real number on you. Then, the isolation was added in. I was really only leaving the house to go to doctor's appointments, which there were plenty of.  My social time was found at swim meets or soccer games. Most of the time, that was physical torture, but spiritually and emotionally strengthening.

Rest. Rest. Rest. That is how to heal the brain. I was not good about always following that because emotionally I was falling apart. I am probably one of the most positive people you will meet. Always looking for the positives in any situation. Always giving the benefit of doubt. Always thinking, it could be worse. Appreciating everything I am fortunate enough to have.

This was trying to break me though. The isolation. The pain. They wanted me broken. I would give in sometimes. I would give in and be miserable for days, hours, minutes at a time. I gave in and let myself feel everything that I have been going through. The loneliness. That was the worst of them all. I stayed connected to people via Facebook. I couldn't hold conversations on the phone. It was too distracting and I would forget what I was saying mid sentence. There would be noises going on around me and they would capture my attention. Even following one-on-one, in person conversations were hard for me to follow and not get sidetracked by something else near me. Oh look, a bee flying by... ADD symptoms I guess. But all new since the accident. These made the isolation feel even worse. I was losing contact with many of my friends. I was home bound unless I was at a doctor's office of kid's sport event.

The plus side of all this, was that it was forcing Paul and I to talk to each other again. We had no choice. We got to know each other as the adults we now are, instead of the 18 year old kids who got together 16 years before. We got to know each other, not as our set roles of provider and mom, but as Paul and Meg. Started talking about our dreams and goals again. We were allowed by circumstances, to become friends again. In all the darkness that had come from the accident, here was this ray of light. It took some time. There was a lot of anger coming from him after the accident. Some awful things were said on both sides. Sometime between February and March things started changing. By his birthday, in mid March, we were friends again. We actually wanted to spend time together. We went out on our first real date, and I'm calling it real because we were there to actually spend time together, to talk to each other, to be with each other.

We went to Monte Carlo. A fundraising event for the High School Athletics. It was visually too much for me, so we kept our focus on small things. Like a card tossing game upstairs where there weren't too many people. We felt connected and like a couple again. We bought $60 of bead necklaces to win an iPad 3. I could see I had the most of everyone there, so I was thinking it was just like buying one for $60. I'd automatically win with that right? HA Nope. It's all about a coin toss. You pick heads or tails and place your hands on your head or you "tail" before the toss.  I was doing ok but I was up there by myself. Paul was talking to other people and watching from a distance. It came down to the last 3-4 people and we all had a lot of necklaces left. So I just kept going and I kept losing my necklaces. Finally it was down to the last 2 people and 2 necklaces. I didn't win. Afterwards, Paul asked why I didn't just copy what the other lady was doing seeing as I had many more necklaces that she had to begin with. This is something that I never thought of. If I had done that, I would've won.

I miss so many common sense things like this ALL THE TIME!! This is not something that would have happened before the accident. Seriously. I have all these moments that are what I've been calling "DUH moments". Things that are common sense but I can not, for the life of me, come up with them on my own. Once I'm told after the fact, it's like "well DUH! Why didn't I think of that?!" It completely makes sense. This happens almost daily still. Most are small things, others are larger and more noticeable by others. My friends are very understanding and even say they don't notice most of the time. I think they're just being nice.

Friends. Wow what a lucky woman I am to have some of the most amazing friends!! I am including my family in with my friends, because you can't chose your family but you can chose your friends. So I'm choosing my family to be my friends as well. My friends give me so much strength and courage. They've helped bring me to doctor appointments, brought me groceries when I couldn't get them myself, visited with me, listened to me vent, gave me advice and different ideas for treatments, kind words, thoughtful prayers, distracted me from my life and told me stories about theirs and just been there for me.

Late last August, I met with a new Neurologist. One who specializes with Post Concussion Syndrome (PCS) and Mild Traumatic Brain Injuries (MTBI), which are the diagnosis's that  I have. We have to drive an hour and a half to Pittsfield to meet with her, but she is worth the drive! She changed up my medications, put me on new ones that help control the headaches, sent me to Speech Therapy with an amazing woman at Cooley Dickenson, sent me for a driving evaluation last October, and sent me to have Neuro-Psych testing done in Springfield (which I still have to do).

All of this is a lot of work. When I say work, I mean work. It's exhausting. It takes a lot of effort to do any of these, then wipes out my energy for the rest of the day, or sometimes even the next couple days. Some days, I wake up and find myself so tired that after the kids go to school, I go back to sleep for most of the day. This happened yesterday. Aaliyah left at 8 and I went back to sleep right away and woke up at 12:20 and I was still tired throughout the rest of the day, but had some things that needed to get done. Some days, I wake up so tired and for the life of me, I can not figure out why. Somethings over stimulate me in the day or two before and my mind just shuts down and forces me to sleep. Other days, I find myself highly productive. I probably over do it those days, then pay for it later. I just go with it when I'm feeling good because there's always so much that needs to get done and never enough time.

Wow! I've said a lot in this post. Each of these segments can be broken down into lots more detail. There is  so much more that I am forgetting to add in as well. Concussions affect so much of a person's life. It really is amazing how different my life is now, than it was 15 months ago. When they talk about pain and suffering because of an accident, it is real! It is no joke! It takes a long time to heal. There are a lot of layers that need to be worked through. There's a lot of trial and error with treatment. What works for one person, may cause more pain for another. It is incredibly important to get a great team of doctors and therapists on your side,  and also working together. Patience is another key part of recovery. You have to give yourself patience, give your kids, family and friends patience. It is a long, very difficult process. Somewhere in the future, i will be back to "normal". I've been told that I should fully recover. Someday. Until then, I will take it one day, one moment at a time and keep looking for the positives in life.

The background story

Some days are simple, some days are complicated. Either way, my new "normal" days all start the same. Me, hitting the snooze button on my alarm for an hour, because I can never seem to get enough sleep anymore. My boys (Anthony, 15 & Justin, 12) get themselves up and ready for school. Occasionally I get up before they leave and get to have tea with one, coffee for the other. Sometimes I'm just awake enough to say a few things to them, like remember to brush your teeth and wash your face (or how it usually comes out, 'wash you teeth and brush your face'), I love you and have a good day, don't forget that xyz thing you need to bring... Other times, I wake up and they're already gone.

First day of High School and Middle School Fall 2012

I find myself more awake by 7 when my daughter (Aaliyah, 9) needs to get up. Most days at least. She's pretty good about remembering everything she needs to do each day, so that helps me a lot. She's not the best morning person, so there's not too much conversation until just before she leaves. She cheers right up and heads off to start her day. 

First day of 3rd Grade Fall 2012

It has been helpful that they are older and can take care of themselves for the most part. I was hands-on with them for so many years. Making their lunches, packing their bags, making sure all their homework was done, washing and putting away their clothes. You know the drill. My husband has worked so hard for so many years, so that I could stay home with them. To be really honest, there were some rough years. I felt lonely being with little kids all day. I craved adult interaction. Play dates for the kids, were mommy dates with other parents for me as well. Looking back, I wouldn't have done it any other way. What a treasure to have that time with them. I am so thankful I was able to have that opportunity, and all because this amazing guy I married, worked so hard. 

Family Christmas card picture 2012

I started working in October 2010 for the first time since I had my first child in July 1997. I was working at these great local Mexican restaurants called Bueno y Sano. It was so hard. The work, the schedules, family time, taking care of my body and health. It was a challenge that we all had a hard time adjusting to. Paul, all of a sudden, had to do the hands-on part of taking care of the kids when I was at work. making sure each kid was where they were supposed to be, fed and homework done. A big shift in roles and a lot of things fell thru the cracks. We kept going. Life got faster and faster, busier and busier. We never seemed to find just the right balance. I missed out on a lot, but was focused. I started classes to become a certified personal trainer. I was working a lot, almost full time. It started to feel like we were all on separate paths, passing by each other once in awhile. Our marriage was crumbling around us. It's amazing how much is not said when people get so busy with their own lives. 

Over Christmas vacation, the college students were gone and I was able to work a little less. In early January 2012, I had a rare Sunday afternoon off and my daughter had a Girl Scout field trip to hike and do a scavenger hunt at the Quabbin Reservoir. I was thrilled that I was able to go with her. We had a lot of fun and got really cold! On the way back, we stopped for hot cocoa at DDs then went to Target because we were out of cat litter and one of the boys needed deodorant. Finally warmed up and had everything we needed, we headed home. By this time, I was tired and ready to relax for the rest of the night, before another busy week. We made it to the last set of lights we would have to wait for before we got home. Followed a PVTA bus into the intersection, which was turning right. Because I was relaxed at this point, not in a rush, I waited for the bus to turn in front of me, instead of going out and around, then going through the intersection. I started driving straight, saw the bus tail lights in my peripheral vision, then headlights and impact. 

Someone had driven through their red light and drove right into the passenger side of my car. The next thing I remember is hearing my daughter scream. She was screaming like I have never heard any of my kids scream before. The smell was awful. The side airbags had gone off, but I didn't notice that right away. I just had to get to my daughter. I jumped out and grabbed her. (This was the last time I was able to pick my daughter up) We then ran towards the other car to see if they were ok. (Because this case will go to litigation and possibly trial, I won't go into detail about the people from the other car, just that we know them) I had no idea what had happened at first. They just kept saying they were sorry and it was their fault. They hadn't been paying attention to what was in front of them. They called the police who got there in just a few minutes. The tow trucks came, which happened to be based right around the corner, and picked up both cars. I had called my husband twice. The first time I called, all I said was that we were in an accident, that we were ok and where we were. It took me awhile to realize he needed to come pick us up as well. Luckily, he knew better and was on his way the second time I called. The whole scene was picked up in less than 20 minutes and we were on our way back home! 

That's when the pain started to kick in. We had declined a trip in the ambulance thinking we'd be ok. Boy that adrenaline is some strong stuff! On the way home, my daughter was saying she had a headache. I had no idea if she had hit her head. She was sitting behind me in our Pilot. I started to get a headache, but I was just thinking it was from just being in an accident. As we turned onto our street, the pain started to come strong. My neck, shoulders, back. It got bad real quick. We got home, just in time to decide to turn around and go to the emergency room. As we drove past the intersection where the accident happened, that's when it all came rushing back to me. There had been people stopped on all sides of the intersection when the accident happened and not one of them stopped. A father and his child had stopped shortly after it happened to see if we needed to call the police, but they were already on their way. No one stopped after they saw it happen and seeing a little girl having been in the car. I still have a hard time with that, to this day. 

We got to the hospital, after a very painful ride over and the doctor basically said I was going to be in a lot of pain in the coming days, gave me a few prescriptions for pain meds and muscle relaxers and said if I needed to, I could schedule an appointment with my primary in a few days. It was all very fast and were we back home just about 2 hours after the accident happened. 

This happened January 8, 2012. Today is April 1, 2013. Almost 15 months later. I will go back and talk about all the different things that have happened since the accident, the injuries that I have, the treatments, the pain, headaches and migraines, impact this has had on my family and friends. I will talk about my moods, trials and errors, relearning how to do things with a concussion. My marriage and how our 15th anniversary last May, was the best anniversary to date. The keys to building a great support system. Making sure you get to the right specialist. What my new "normal" days look like. It is incredibly important to keep a positive attitude when you're looking at long term health problems. The days become dark and painful. Painful beyond physical pain. I have dealt with a lot of pain just so I could be in my kids lives, so I could see there sports or school events. I have learned to say NO to things I just can't handle. I have learned time is precious and not to take any moment for granted. I have learned the value of communication.  Most important of all, I learned the value of smiling all the way thru.