Facing Fears, Accepting Relief

I started swimming with a US Masters Swimming program a few weeks ago. My doctors and PTs have been urging me to get in the water for many months now. I can't lift weights and do as much cardio, like I was doing before the accident so I've been fairly limited with what I can do to work out. Walking has been my go to work out, when I can make it happen. The cold weather of winter set in and stopped me from going outside very much, so I wasn't able to do too much in the last 4-5 months. This also caused me to gain 25 pounds and go up a couple sizes in clothes since August. 

My daughter was doing a swim clinic at UMass and while she was in the pool, I had time to chat with the other parents. The conversations were varied every night, but swimming was always brought up. One of the moms has been swimming in the Masters program for quite awhile now. After asking lots of questions and another mom decided to try it, I decided I would try as well. 

The day before I started, I went swim suit shopping. Ugh!! What an awful experience that was. After trying on 9 different suits, I picked a plain black suit. Simple. At that point, my fear was being seen in public with that suit on. You see, not being able to really work out for 15 months has taken its toll. I fit in my high school suit before the accident! I was in the best shape of my life. I bought the suit and went home. The fear  of wearing the suit went away by the time I got home and tried it on again. I let it go, knowing things would change once I got back into that pool. 

The very first night I was scared. So very scared. I was shaking as I watched my daughter's group swim. I realized I wasn't scared about the swim suit anymore or being able to do the strokes and the workout. I was scared it would hurt me. That I wouldn't be able to be in the pool and that it would hurt more than help. I was in desperate need of an answer, something I could do to work out again. Before the accident, I was in the gym 6 days a week. 4-5 days I did serious weight lifting sessions and the others were for quick 20-30 minute cardio and stretching, usually before work, which was another workout in itself. 

When I was on that schedule, I felt amazing. I felt strong in many different ways and I was so happy and energetic. I've missed that in my life. So I did it. I tried swimming. The first night I was able to do 3/4 of the work out. Didn't make it through a full 100(4 lengths) and ran out of breath after every 25(1 length). I did it though. I wasn't in pain after. I modified what I needed to and rested, a lot. It felt really good to be back in the pool again. I have now made it through 4 work outs and with tonight being my 5th. Before and during each work out, I find myself questioning how far I can go. I look at the workout sheet, not understanding what it says most of the time and having no confidence that I can make it through the whole thing. I'm scared I will fail. Then I suddenly realize I've made it and the end of the workout comes and I feel unstoppable. I stop questioning myself once I reach the cool down. That feeling has lasted until the next morning. Then I find myself going back to questioning what I'm doing. 

The fear is still here. I am finding myself anxious every day that I will be swimming. What if I can't do it? What if this time it hurts too much? The what ifs constantly run through my mind and my heart is racing. I have now invested a little over $200 into this program for myself. That's pretty significant for me. I got a box from Swimoutlet.com yesterday and I felt like Christmas morning. I had ordered a swim bag and other gear. That felt good. I had that shopping cart filled on the website for about a week and a half before I finally hit complete this purchase. When I finally completed the order, it was me saying I can do this. I am committed to doing this. I accepted that I can do this.   

I'm going to do it tonight. I'm going to fight my fears one more time. I'm going in with no expectations and just the hope that I can make it through the entire work out. I will take it one lap at a time. I will listen to my muscles and follow their lead. I will breathe into my muscles with each breath I take and feel their strength coming back to life. I will take the leap tonight, once again. Someday the anxiety beforehand will start to fade. I will be able to do more during the day on nights that I swim. I will be able to fall asleep before 11pm after a workout. 

This all starts with today and taking that leap into the pool one more time. One 25 at a time. One stroke and  one kick at a time. One breath at a time. I'll get there. I'll find the other side to this. I will find relief.